NavSat
by Titania Took
Summary: Humour. Chekov is off giving Sulu a guided tour of Russia, and the crew of the Enterprise are left with only a mysterious piece of 21st century equipment known as a "Nav-Sat" to nawigate. Chaos ensues...


It was _not_ a peaceful day on board the Starship Enterprise.

The ship gave a great lurch, causing the Captain to fall out of his seat. The helmsman was wearing a seatbelt, and as such was the only one to remain upright, with the exception of Spock with his superior (annoying) Vulcan balance, and Ensign Demmar-Waters, who had been sent up from sickbay to tell Jim to "Stop rocking the damn ship! I'm a doctor, dammit, not an astronaut! I get seasick! Spacesick. Whatever," in the doctor's exact words, and who apparently spent her spare time (that of it she didn't spend orchestrating major disasters, at least) surfing.

"Sulu! What was that for?" the Captain yelled. The Lieutenant spun round in her chair.

"It's Lieutenant Dallas. Sulu's on shore leave having a guided tour of the greatest Russian Inwentions." Lieutenant Dallas was normally in charge of steering for gamma shift, which caused problems, as she couldn't drive, only drink-drive, which was why Sulu was often quite confused as to where they actually were whenever he took over for alpha shift. They were generally quite a way backwards, usually somewhere near a drive-thru.

"Oh. Still, what was that for?"

"I had to swerve to avoid a star, sir."

"A star? Don't you have a course laid in?"

"Chekov's guiding the tour. And this thing is useless!" She gestured angrily to a small metal object with a screen with flashing lights on it sticking up from the nawigation console.

"Cross the roundabout, second exit," came a cool female voice.

"This is illogical. There are no roundabouts in space."

The ship jolted again, as Lieutenant Dallas grabbed the plastic steering wheel that had been attached to the helm, and jerked it firmly left, and the Captain once again out of his seat. "Sorry 'bout that. Had to duck to dodge a planet."

"They really need to install seatbelts in these things. A planet, you say? And the only thing keeping us from smashing into all kinds of space objects coming in at warp speed is you, and that thing?"

"Yes sir. Except that thing really isn't doing much good. It could be worse. Kat can't tell left from right. Imagine if she was nawigating!"

"Ensign Richards was supposed to be navigating today instead of Ensign Chekov, but I rearranged her schedule so she is now in the botany labs."

"Good work, Mr Spock. Maybe she'll accidentally catch a poisonous cactus."

"That was the intention. She has the level of clumsiness and lack of common sense necessary, although whether she will actually manage to catch it is doubtful, and if she is picking spines out of her hands for the next three days she cannot bother anyone other than Doctor McCoy."

"That's mean."

"But logical."

"True. But back to the matter of our impending smashing into something. What exactly is the replacement Chekov?"

"It's apparently a piece of old 21st century navigation software, abandoned due to its unreliability. I think it's called a Nav-Sat."

"A Nav-Sat."

"Yes. A Nav-Sat."

"Hmmm… Bones is old. He might know how one of these things works. Bridge to Sickbay!"

"Sickbay here. I sent Ensign Demmar-Waters up ten minutes ago to tell you to stop rocking the boat. What's wrong now?"

"Bones, we need you up here right now. It's an emergency. We might crash into a star if you don't come soon. AARGH! What was it this time?"

"A moon. Sorry sir."

"I'll be there in a minute." The channel cut off, and there was silence on the bridge, with the exception of some 'vroom-vroom' noises being made by the helm.

"I'm starting to get the feeling that wasn't such a great idea…"

They did not have long to wallow in the suspense before Dr McCoy arrived panting on the bridge, huge med-kit in hand. "What is it? Who's died this time? Is it Chekov? What's happened to Sulu?"

"I'll explain in a minute. More urgently, what do you know about Nav-Sats?"

"Whats?"

"Nav-Sats." He pointed to the small piece of equipment, now firmly instructing them to "Turn around when possible. Turn around when possible."

"Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not Chris the IT guy!"

Silence fell at the mention of Chris the IT guy, except for the sounds of the bridge crew, including Spock, as it was in this instance highly logical, pow-wow-ing. Lieutenant-Commander Christopher DeRom, known to most as Chris the IT guy, was worshipped throughout the ship. While the Enterprise may have been staffed with geniuses, most of whom were pretty good at computer programming/hacking, when it came to actually fixing things, he was the one you called. He could fix anything with a microchip.

"Lt. Uhura, summon Chris the IT guy. Say it's an emergency, please."

"Aye, sir."

There was an awed silence (other than several Ensigns who mysteriously appeared and began singing Handel's Hallelujah Chorus, to accompaniment of triangle, by Lt. Dallas) as he entered the bridge.

"Hi Captain. What can I do for you? Is it that website with the strange stories about us again?" There was a collective shudder as that website was mentioned. Those were bad memories.

"No, not quite that bad. What do you know about Nav-Sats?"

"Ah. A Sat-Nav. Early 21st century navigation system. I'm guessing it hasn't taken into account the relativistic effects of travelling at warp speed."

"Argh! Physics!"Went Lt. Dallas's train of thought, as she wondered if she could comm Kat in the cactus department and ask her what they were going on about, if she hadn't already been eaten by Ethel, the carnivorous plant that was friends with Gertrude, and so could get away with anything (Sulu was a little protective about his flowers, especially Gertrude. He had been forced to get rid of Ermintrude when she went berserk and started eating redshirts, but anyone trying to harm/remove from the ship/save themselves from being eaten by Gertrude had to get through the fencing master first.)

"I see," she said, not seeing at all, but quite good at acting. "But how do we get it to actually do anything useful, like steer us around stars? It talks, but it won't respond, even to Japanese, where it said it was made!" Uhura felt the need to point out that she had been swearing at it in Japanese, not asking it the way to Betelgeuse VII, but didn't.

"Ah. Well, in the 21st Century, they didn't have many voice-controlled computers. This works by touch-screen, I imagine." Kirk walked over and poked it. It made a strange noise, and began to smoke, before being knocked off the console by another swerve to avoid a constitution class Starfleet vessel, which waved at them as they passed. Spock Vulcan-not-glared at it.

Kirk picked himself up from the floor, and grunted. "Lieutenant, lay in a course back to Earth. We need Chekov back."

"But sir! I can't! We're still stuck with the Nav-Sat!"

There was a groan from the bridge crew. It was going to be a long voyage home. Kirk glared at where Chekov ought to be. All this lurching around meant he couldn't have any popcorn, as it would just spill everywhere.

"Bridge to Engineering."

"Engine room here. Ah'm givin it all she's got, Cap'n!"

"Scotty, I need someone up here to attach a seatbelt to this seat. Now."

"Aye, Cap'n. Ah don't suppose ye could ask the lass to go a wee bit smoother? Ah keep dropping me sandwiches! Oi, Keenser! Get down from there! Ye'll fall off with this lassie steerin! ..."

The ship jerked once more as Lt. Dallas dodged another planet. And then there was a whispered "Oh dear," which struck terror into the hearts of the crew, although not as much as the next few words.

"What is it?"

"An asteroid belt..."

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer: Spocky, sadly, is not mine. Neither is anyone else. Lieutenant Dallas is the property of Lieutenant Dallas (unless she's sold her soul to someone recently and not told me yet). Ensign Kat Richards is a re-adopted ex-figment of the imagination of Lieutenant Dallas, and therefore probably her property too. I don't know. Please don't sue me. Or generally attempt to cause grievous bodily harm. :) <strong>

**6-letter word, begins with R, ends with W, and the letters in between are E,V,I, and E, in that order. Any guesses? Press the button below to submit an answer. First ten correct solutions win… ummm… something. Any other reviewers will also win a something. Even if they don't guess the word. Sounds like a competition worth entering, eh?**


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